


My Empire of Dirt

by FivePips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cancer, Discussion of Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical, Mentions of Cancer, Past Realtionship, Reuniting, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25598560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: When Sirius gets a grave prognosis, Lily suggests that he makes a bucket list.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 26
Kudos: 160
Collections: Wolfstar Hurt Fest





	My Empire of Dirt

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Sirius has terminal cancer.  
> Requests/Comments: I know the parallel of Remus with lycanthropy translates to some chronic disease in muggle!au, but I’d like to see fics where it’s Sirius and how he’d react and how his friends and family would react.  
> Bonus if he and Regulus make up.
> 
> Thank you to my beta Jenn and the lovely mods for this fest 💖

“So, what you’re saying…” Sirius trails off, his mouth not working properly as he stares blankly at the doctor in front of him. The dull ringing in his ears has grown louder and louder the longer the doctor has been speaking, making it even more difficult to pay attention to what he is saying. He knows that this all means — the mass growing in his brain. The headaches. The nausea. The hard time reading. The hard time stringing words together. The seizures. It all was only leading to one answer.

“It’s terminal, Sirius, I’m sorry.”

A laugh rips from his throat, surprising Sirius because he’s sure that he’s going to cry.  _ Sob _ . He’s dying and the first thing that he does is laugh? This just proves he’s even more fucked up than he thought. The life he has forged has been full of mistakes and disasters caused solely by him and now it is just going to come to an end without him being able to fix all those mistakes. 

Granted, Sirius thinks he probably deserves that.

Next to him, Effy sniffles but manages to find her voice. The woman is nothing if not persistent. If it weren’t for her Sirius would have never been able to go near a doctor. “Is there anything that we can do?”

The doctor nods, leaning forward. “There are options and I’m prepared to give them all to you, but you have to understand that we need to move quickly if we want any chance at all. Glioblastoma Multiforme is aggressive, so if you want to beat it then you have to fight it even harder.”

Sirius rubs his face, folding forward to set his elbows on his knees. “Even if we try, you’re saying…” The room is spinning and he can’t be sure if it’s the fucking tumors or the fact that his death sentence had been handed over to him a moment ago.

“I’m saying that the survival rate over a year is about 25% and for five years out 5%. I’m going to suggest surgery and an aggressive drug treatment.” 

The doctor begins to talk specifics, and Sirius isn’t paying attention. He’s only imagining what the last few months of his life are going to be life; how he’s going to have to tell James and Lily, how Harry’s not going to have his Pads around anymore. How Effy and Monty are going to have to bury him and how his friends are going to have to mourn him — whether it be in a few months or a few years. What’s the point of fighting a losing battle when he’s just going to be knocked out and along the way get bruised and broken? Life has done that enough to him by now, it doesn’t seem like he should keep fighting.

When Sirius looks up, Effy is taking notes on her phone even with tears pooling in her eyes. Effy loves a project, though. Taking care of people and fixing others problems are what she thrives on. This would not be the first time Effy Potter has attempted to save Sirius Black.  _ But it’ll be the last _ , the voice in the back of his head chimes in and makes him squirm in his seat as nausea rolls through his gut. Simultaneously Sirius’ body tingles hot and cold while the ringing in his ears goes high pitched. Then it all goes black and blissfully silent.

What feels like hours later, but in reality is mostly likely only a minute or less, Sirius comes to to find the doctor and Effy standing over him. The tears have finally fallen down Effy’s cheeks but she’s not crying, really, but her brow is pinched with concern. Worry is marked all over her face. The worry’s been there since Sirius started to not feel right, and it just seems to be getting worse.

There’s a hand on his wrist, cold and smooth like porcelain. “You’ve fainted, Sirius. It’s all right.” Sirius goes to sit up but the doctor drops his wrist to hold his shoulder down.

“Take a moment, we don’t want you to be flat on your back again.” The man smiles reassuringly, but the platitude is lost on Siriu,s who isn’t sure that anything can make him feel better. Make him feel normal and alive. A few months left to live, and Sirius already has one foot in his grave.

“I’m sure that happens a lot,” Sirius quips as if being told he’s going to die then passing out is no big deal. For someone who could have a flair for the dramatic from time to time, Sirius is a master at hiding true emotions underneath everything else. If he kicks up a fuss over the small details then the larger picture doesn’t look so bad.

The doctor nods as a set of footsteps comes into the door. “Thank you, Hannah,” he says holding his arm out. “Sirius, sit up slowly so you can drink this.” He holds a glass of orange juice in front of Sirius as the footsteps retreat.

Since the room around him is no longer spinning, Sirius shuffles to sit up. Taking the glass, his hands shake slightly and he realizes that he hasn’t been able to have anything to eat or drink all day. Actually, the last time Sirius can think of eating was some plain toast for lunch the afternoon before. Between the nerves of finding out his diagnosis today and his constant general nausea for the cancer, food hasn’t been much of interest to him.

“We’re going to do everything we can for you Sirius, all right?” The doctor asks, hand on Sirius’ shoulder as he sips the orange juice.

“What if I don’t want everything you can give me?” Sirius’ voice sounds strange, as if he’s standing in a tunnel alone and all the sounds are echoing off the walls.

Effy makes a noise, but doesn’t jump in immediately, instead stands up. “Sirius, why would you ask that?”

“Because I want to — what’s the point?” Sirius sniffles, his fingers tightening around the glass in his head. “There’s only… it’s not a big chance.”

“It’s still a chance,” the doctor says, looking to Effy. “You need to make a choice as soon as possible, but I’m not going to force this choice on you, Sirius. It’s up to you as it is your body. We can make things comfortable if that’s all you want, or we can fight it.”

The rest of the time in the office, Sirius can not bring himself to listen. His doctor tells him that they need to make their plan as soon as possible, but Sirius doesn’t think that he’s able to bring himself to do so. Putting himself through treatments to  _ maybe _ survive seems like the last way he wants to live his last months on earth. He knows that Effy is going to research and tell Sirius everything she can because that’s who she is. Monty is going to back her up. James and Lily… he can’t think about that just yet.

Somehow Sirius ends up back at Effy and Monty’s place because she refuses to let Sirius stay at his own flat in downtown Godric’s. Instead he is forced to stay in the room where he always stayed when at Effy and Monty’s, like he is a teenager once more and not 28. Going back home to his own flat probably is not the best thing at the moment even if he wanted to be there.

Thankfully, Effy leaves Sirius to crawl into bed still in his shirt and jeans that reek of disinfectant and that certain clinical scent hospitals have. His stomach gives another clench as he sinks back into his pillows. The first instinct Sirius has is to Google how long he has left if he does nothing to treat the cancer. His phone is all the way across the room, tucked away in his jacket pocket though.

As Sirius lays in the large four poster bed, he stares up at the ornate ceiling. The invisible weight in the center of his chest is pushing him down, holding him there and making him want to crawl out of his own skin. It reminds him of when he ran away from home. The setting of being in his own room isn’t helping him any because all of the bad things he’s done and he’s gone through are pushing at his skull, reminding him that  _ this _ is his life. He’s fucked it all up. There’s no need for him to keep trying.

Being alone doesn’t last very long because James’ shadow fills the doorway at some point. The sun is no longer peaking through the blinds, so it’s safe to say that hours had ticked away without Sirius noticing. That was going to be the rest of his life now, everything just ticking away and Sirius losing himself in thoughts. People standing there watching him, waiting for him to disappear.

“Sirius…” James’ voice cracks as he finally makes his way over to the bed. The tops of his cheeks are wet, making Sirius’ heart twist. Another person he was hurting. “You’re…”

“Ah, dying? Yeah — we are all right though, mate?” Sirius tries to joke because that’s what they do.

“You’re a fucking bastard.” As he sits down, he whacks Sirius’ shoulder as fresh tears start to trail down his cheeks. “Don’t…”

Sirius shook his head, clearing the lump forming in his throat. “James, it’s okay.”

“But it’s not.” He let out a little sob. The sound wraps around Sirius’ heart, constricting it. The pain leaves him breathless as James’ arms pull him tight and hugs him as if Sirius is going to evaporate in his arms. “It’s not… not okay. I’m — you’re my best mate — my br— brother.”

Sirius closes his eyes to stop the tears that are pricking at the corner of his eyes. “I know, James.”

James cries against Sirius’ shoulder, leaving a wet mark against his shirt. Sirius manages to fight back the tears because he keeps telling himself that crying is not going to change anything. Staying around, making James and everyone watch him become sicker and sicker and get ill from medications, didn’t seem good. Wouldn’t that be better than making them dwell and watch Sirius die for a few more months?

***

Two days after getting his diagnosis, Sirius sits in the back garden of the Potter’s home. They still haven’t let him go home yet, but Sirius can’t bring himself to argue too much with them. After having a fit the day before, he was exhausted physically and mentally as well. Since he was not feeling well the day before, Sirius was free of questions about his game plan on how to fight the tumor rapidly growing in his brain. The sickness that is building up beneath his skull and attacking the body that he took charge of once, to run away from the Blacks. Now all his control is being ripped out of his hands.

The french doors open, catching Sirius attention from where it was lost in his thoughts. Lily is coming through, carrying two takeaway cups from their favorite place in Godric’s. She had promised to bring him some clean clothes and a few things from his flat since it seems as if he’s going to be moving back in with the Potter’s now. “Enjoying the sun?”

“The last of it that I’ll get.”

Lily, instead of looking sad like James or Monty does every time he looks at Sirius, she gives him an eye roll. A reminder that even though he’s floating through this strange sort of purgatory that life is still going on and his friends are still his friends who didn’t get personality replacements overnight. 

“Oh, shut up, Sirius.” She sets the iced coffee in front of Sirius before falling back into the seat next to him. 

Picking up the drink, Sirius swirls the ice around the cup for a moment, just listening to the soft sound it makes. He waits for her to start talking and asking questions because that’s what everyone seems to be doing lately. “You’re not coming here to lecture me about how I need to make a choice about what I should be getting done, are you?” He decided to break the silence and just get it over with as if he were ripping off a bandaid.

“No, you’re an adult, why would I do that? You know the options, and you can make your own choice. I do hope you’ll pick what’s best and what I want you to do, but who am I to tell you that you need to do something?” She shrugs before biting down on the blue straw. “James told me that you’re just going to let it… happen, I guess that’s the best term to use.”

Sirius nods, furrowing his brow. “You’re not crying over it?”

“No I’m not because I had a good cry the other night after James got home. There’s no use sobbing over you when you’re sitting right here still being the bastard I consider a brother.”

“James can hardly look at me — speak to me.”

“Because he doesn’t want to lose you, Sirius.” Lily sighs as she brings one leg up onto her seat.

Hooking his teeth over his bottom lip, Sirius thinks about how James must feel. Sirius couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if their situations were reversed. Thank god they weren’t because Harry needs his Dad around. “I know.”

“But I also know he can’t possibly go no mourning your death when you’re walking around still — even if you’re sitting in that chair like it’s a fucking coffin.”

He rolls his eyes before he sits up a little straighter. Was he sitting around like he was already dead? That can’t be very helpful either if he doesn’t want people around him to not treat him like he was already in the grave. “I don’t know what to do with myself. Is there a handbook for the people that are nearly dead?”

“Nearly dead? Sirius, you’re not nearly dead. Even if you don’t treat it, Effy said that you’ve got more than a handful of months. You could be here for a year. So what are you going to be doing with the rest of your life? Are you going to be a fucking coward and sit around feeling sorry for yourself or are you going to do something with the rest of it?”

Setting his coffee down on the iron wrought table, Sirius brings his hands up to scrub over his face. Even though he wants to hide away and just let it over take him, that isn’t productive. The last months of his life couldn’t be spent feeling sorry for himself. Not only was that not who he was, but it would just make everything so much worse for the people he loved and cared about. “I don’t know what I’m meant to do.”

“What do you want to do? I’m not talking medically, you can make that choice yourself or ask when you need help. I’m talking about personally. What are things that you want to take care of, or what are the things that you always wanted to do?” She asks with such a passion in her voice, Sirius is waiting for her to stand up and make some long speech about seizing life and living for today. Thankfully she stays seated, waiting for Sirius to answer as she sips on her coffee.

That question rings in his head, an alarm sounding and telling him it is time to do something with the last months of his life. The simplest thing to do would be slipping into the darkness of the depression that is calling out to Sirius. Let its cold fingers grip at his wrist and hold him down in his demons away from everyone. “What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, make a bucket list. That’s so fucking cliche, but I think it’d might be handy to have a goal.”

A bucket list  _ is _ cliche and sounds like it should be in some god awful movie about some bloke’s last days. There is some sort of satisfaction in trying to do the things that had always been somewhere in the back of his mind. After running away from the Black’s, Sirius worked hard not not falling back into that lifestyle. Everything he did was a calculated move to stay away from his bigoted family. He finished school and studied art then worked in a gallery until he started to get progressively more ill the other month. Even though so far in his life, Sirius had done what he wanted, there are still things that he held back on because other things always came out and seemed more important… there were also some things that he wanted to fix.

“So, I should make some sort of diary entry with a list of what I want to do.”

Lily chuckles, shaking her head. “I mean, I think some sort of list on your Notes app should be fine. Though if you’re feeling artsy about it…”

“No, no, a list seems like a better idea.” Sirius traces the intricate weaves of the iron under his fingers. “You think that if I talk to some people, they’d want to talk to me?” Granted, there are only two people that he wants to talk to, the rest of the list that is slowly building up mentally has to do with things he wants to do. Two relationships need to be dealt with to make him feel like he can leave without feeling like complete shit.

“You mean Regulus and Remus? I don’t know how Reg’s doing or what he’s even up to, but I feel like he wouldn’t hate talking to his brother. As for Remus… you know there’s something that needs to be mended. He’s a stubborn bastard, so I… it might not be easy but I think you’d both feel good if you do it.”

Sirius reaches for his coffee again as he mulls over the shattered relationships that he had with his brother and Remus. Neither have anything to do with one another, but they are the trail of destruction he has left behind in his relationships. He completely pulled away from his brother, refusing to turn to him. Remus… Remus had made a choice and so did Sirius. Sirius’ choice was completely selfish while Remus’ was selfless. That’s just who Sirius is, a selfish bastard and talking to both Regulus and Remus are a way to pay some sort of penance for his actions before he dies.

“But we don’t have to worry about it yet.” Lily pats his arm. “Let’s make the list.”

He reaches for the phone in his pocket, but he pauses. “I feel like I should write it down.”

“You should! Write it down and pin it up somewhere.” There’s a new spark in Lily’s eyes as she jumps up from her seat. “I’ll be right back.”

A few moments later, Lily is back with a pad of paper and a pen that was probably snagged from Monty’s office nearby. She slaps them both down on the table then demands that Sirius come up with at least ten things he wants to do. The first few are easy, then he realizes that he has no idea how he wants to spend the last moments of his life. Eventually he makes it to eight, completely stuck on the last two.

“Eight is enough.” Sirius glances up at her. If he does nothing then he’s only going to have a few months at most.

“No, ten. I want ten.”

“I thought you weren’t going to tell me how to live my life.”

“I’m not! I just know you better than this.” She jabs at the paper.

“One more, how about that? Then I’ll leave ten open and try to think of something good.”

Lily narrows her eyes at him. “Fine, nine, but you have to have ten eventually. You got to make nine really good. Dig deep.”

Sirius taps his pen, firmly believing that numbers one and two on his list were deeper than anything that he could scrounge up. Then the thought pops into his head, how one more good kiss would be nice. He wasn’t looking for anything else though, but a good kiss that would leave him a little bit breathless.

“There.”

“Oh, that’s fucking cute. Okay. Good list. Let’s get some of these done. What do you want to start with?”

Instead of tapping out and being a coward he takes a deep breath and points to number one.

***

  1. Attempt to mend things with Regulus
  2. At least speak to Remus
  3. Take an impulsive vacation
  4. See Celestina live
  5. See a show on Broadway
  6. Visit every museum in London
  7. Go to some fancy ass casino and make a huge ass bet
  8. Get a new motorcycle
  9. Have one last real good kiss



***

Sirius takes a moment outside of the building where Regulus lives in London. Dorcas had been the one to track him down by using her DI resources, but she swore Sirius to secrecy. Granted, he had pulled the  _ I’m dying _ card… not so great. When he did that he was sure that Marlene was going to end up punching him in the face if Dorcas didn’t scream herself hoarse over it not being right. There probably is something wrong with Sirius because he did not feel bad about it one bit. No way did Sirius think he could have found Regulus otherwise, and Sirius is on a bit of a time crunch.

Instead of running away, like he wants to do, Sirius slips into the apartment building when someone walks out. Maybe the person knows Reg and they must still look so similar because the man smiles at him and even holds the door open. The list is probably what’s pushing Sirius on, it seems like a challenge now more than a bucket list. The competitiveness is never going to go away in Sirius, he’s sure. He’s going to end up living out of sheer will to overcome this damn list. He still needed that number ten, but after today he is going to be able to cross off number one.

Of their own accord it seems, Sirius’ feet carry him to the lift then down the hallway of the Regulus’ building. When he’s staring at the doorway to Regulus’ flat, Sirius can feel the pulse thumping in every single pulse point. For a moment, Sirius thinks that he’s about to pass out, but manages to raise his arm up. He’s not even sure he’s knocked when the door flings open and he’s face to face with his baby brother.

Regulus stands just slightly shorter than Sirius with features close to Sirius’, but with a softer jaw and shorter hair. They were practically twins growing up except Regulus was always the good son. The child that listened to their parents. The one who didn’t act up in school and didn’t talk fast or slouch or want to do his own thing. Regulus was perfect in Walburga and Orion’s eyes and Sirius had been happy with that when he was younger. Even when Regulus stepped a toe out of line, it was placed on Sirius and his terrible influence.

For a moment, Sirius’ chest tightens as if someone has their hands clenched around his lungs. He imagines Walburga and Orion in the flat, waiting for Sirius so they can get the last blows — verbal and otherwise — in. Their brutal reign over Sirius still has a grip on him even though it had been ages since he left the house. God, he’s never even thought about them being in Regulus’ flat.

“Sirius.” Regulus finally speaks and breaks the silence that had settled between them. It takes Sirius a long moment to realize that anger was not written all over his face, instead it was a smile.

“I’m — fuck, Regulus…”

“What are you… oh god, I…” Regulus surges forward and hugs him. Yes, hugs Sirius. Not punches Sirius or slams the door in his face.  _ Hugs _ him. “Shit, I wanted to come see you but I never… I thought you hated me.”

The tears surprise Sirius, and he swears that he shouldn’t be able to cry anymore but he does. It has been nearly fifteen years since he saw his little brother, but yet here he is. As if there was something unlocking in Sirius’ chest through Regulus’ hug, he lets out a sharp sob, gripping his brother’s shoulders. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. Why — how could I hate you?” Sirius’ voice breaks, strangled by tears.

Regulus pulls back, shaking his head. “Come in, come on.” Regulus pushes his door back open to lead Sirius inside his flat. “Fuck, I can’t believe you’re here.”

Sirius rubs his hands over his face, trying to force himself to move because he can hardly believe that Regulus wants to talk to him. That Regulus seems to already have forgiven Sirius. Sirius had turned on Regulus, never went after his brother to try to help him leave because he just assumed he never wanted to get away from the Black. As he walks into the flat, Sirius is bowled over by the fact that Regulus’ place is normal. It’s filled with books and art on the wall that doesn’t fill Sirius with some sort of existential dread. Nothing about it looks like Grimmauld Place.

“Shit, I can’t believe that you’re here.” Regulus gestures to the sofa and Sirius sits down because between the travel and the emotional toll this all is taking, exhaustion is taking over Sirius.

“I can’t believe that you want to speak to me.”

Regulus bites his lip and his brow furrows, taking a seat on the plush chair near the sofa. “Of course I want to speak to you. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to speak to me.”

The expression on Sirius’ face mirrors Regulus, leaning forward in his seat. For years Sirius has pushed down thoughts of Regulus because he was sure that Regulus would hate him for a myriad of reasons. “Well, I left you  _ there _ or you just hated me because you’re—”

“I’m not like them. I’m not, I fucking swear. I left before Uni. I told them off and just… left. I never went after you because I wasn’t sure…”

The exhale Sirius lets out feels both physical and metaphorical. His brother is okay and his brother is safe and his brother doesn’t hate him. “Christ we’re a couple of fucking idiots.” He groans.

“Yeah, but we can start fixing it, right?” 

The tears spring back to Sirius’ eyes because yeah they were going to fix things, butsoon it wouldn’t matter. “I’m sorry.”

“Sirius, it’s okay.” Regulus shakes his head. He doesn’t understand what Sirius is talking about.

“I’m — I’ve cancer, Regulus,” he blurts out, knowing his delivery isn’t perfect. When he told Marlene and Dorcas, he did the same thing because he doesn’t know how else to say it. How do you tell someone that you’re going to die in a few months?

The crease in his brow deepens. “What kind? Is it bad? I’m — how can I help?”

Sirius sniffled, wiping away the hot tears again. Shit, he shouldn’t have put things off with Regulus. Fuck fuck  _ fuck _ . “You can’t really. I — it’s not good.”

“You’re… ah, oh.” Regulus sits back, slumping into his seat. The pieces seem to be clicking together in his brain.

“Yeah.” This is the first time that he can’t make a joke about it when talking to someone because it doesn’t feel right to do with Regulus. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come by and done this.” Sirius goes to stand but Regulus puts his hand out towards him.

“No, you’re not leaving. You just got here and you’re — you’re sick so I’m not letting you go.”

He scoffs, sitting back back. “Geez Regulus, I—”

“Still use humor to deflect from the actual problem?” His brother shakes his head. “It’s been over a bloody decade.”

Sirius feels as if he was just given a verbal smack by his little brother. “What else can I do?”

“Ah, well, maybe talk like a normal human. Please tell me you’ve gone to fucking therapy, Sirius.”

He laughs. “Of course I did, but, ah, I haven’t gone in a while.”

“Maybe you need to get back to it if you’re… you’re really ill. I’m sure that you’re having a hard time sorting through your feelings.”

“Well, that sounds like you’re still there.” Sirius bites his lip after speaking because he knows that what he’s said is just another deflection. Regulus is right, he should go back to therapy, but what is the point if he was dying? Though it is strange to have his baby brother tell him to get his life together.

“I still am there because they fucked up really good. If I didn’t go to relationship therapy, then I would have never had gotten into a relationship with Barty.” Regulus shrugs his shoulders, as if dropping that he’s gay isn’t something that is a big deal in the Black family.

“You’re dating a bloke?”

Regulus snickers. “Don’t tell me you care. I remember that you screamed out how fucking queer you were when you were being tossed out on to the damn street.”

“No no no! I don’t care, I’m just shocked. You’re gay? Or bi or whatever?”

“Gay.” Regulus shakes his head. “You’re so ridiculous. I can’t believe you’re here and you’re — you’ve got cancer and you might be dying and you’re making jokes like you’re not dying and this is some last fucking wish.”

Sirius suddenly feels terrible that he is selfish enough to do this to Regulus. The only way he can get the courage to talk to his brother is if he’s on his way to his death bed? “I’m sorry Reggie.”

“Don’t be, okay? I’m glad you’re here, and I want to help. What are you gonna do, how bad is it?”

As he is about to open his mouth and explain that he is not seeking treatment, the door of the flat opens. Never in his life has Sirius been more relieved to be interrupted. Telling Regulus that he’s not interested in even trying to survive because what was the point seems nearly impossible at the moment. The connection that Sirius had always craved with his brother is attainable, but Sirius is not going to be around long enough to make something long lasting and deep.

When the person walks into the room, Sirius is taken aback because it’s the bloke that had held the door open for him less than twenty minutes ago to let Sirius up to the flat. He’s shorter than Reggie, but stockier with close cropped dark hair. The moment he smiles, looking between Sirius and Regulus, Sirius realizes that this was the Barty Regulus mentioned. He also knew who Sirius was when he let him in, didn’t he? It’s hard not to notice that Sirius and Regulus are brothers.

“I got three coffees and enough pastries for all of us.” Barty sets the coffees on the table. “I left yours black, Sirius, but we have things to put in it.”

“Wait… how’d you know?” Regulus raises his eyebrow.

“He let me in.” Sirius stands, his knees feeling more than a little weak, up and reaches his hand out to shake Barty’s. “You knew who I was?”

Barty shakes Sirius’ hand firmly. “Yeah, I did. Reg’s been wanting to connect with you for a while. I’m glad that you reached out to him first because he was being stubborn and unsure.”

“Barty!” Regulus complains, shaking his head but he goes to hug him. “I guess I don’t need to introduce you but this is Sirius, my brother.”

The words  _ my brother _ nearly makes Sirius well up once again. They are still brothers and there is still an important connection between them after all this time. Regulus doesn’t hate him and he’s okay. He’s going to be safe with Barty here even after he leaves… when he’s gone for good.

“Sirius, this is my boyfriend, Barty.”

“Reggie, we’re engaged, remember?” Barty kisses him on his cheek, causing something to twist in Sirius’ chest

“Right, it’s now. It’s just happened.”

“Oh, I’m — congrats!” Sirius grins at his brother and Barty.

Thankfully, Sirius’ prognosis isn’t discussed again over coffee and croissants. Instead it’s mostly about Reggie and Barty’s future wedding plans. Sirius tries hard not to think about how he won’t be there, even though he’s enthusiastically invited. They talk about their jobs — Reggie’s a teacher and Barty’s studying law. Regulus is interested in Sirius’ love of art and his work in the gallery. It just happens that Sirius doesn’t mention the fact that he won’t be returning to work in the gallery ever again.

Sirius gets back to Godric’s following a train ride that makes him sick to his stomach and gives him a headache. Or well, that’s what he blames when he arrives back at the Potter’s and skips dinner in favor of going up to his room. Instead of being a moody teen, he’s an adult having an existential crisis as he nears the end of his life. It doesn’t make him feel better when he crosses off the first point on his list before hanging it up on his mirror. Nor does Sirius relax when he’s huddled under his covers in the most comfortable sweats and shirt that he owns. Everything still hurts and everything is still a mess and no matter what — he’s dying.

Lying in bed in silence, Sirius imagines that he can feel the cancer moving under his skin. The enemy is quickly overtaking the protective barriers of his body, destroying all the good that is there. The tumor in his brain grows and presses against the memories in his mind, pushing out all the bad to the forefront to remind him that he’s done a lot in his life to set him on this path of hurt. These memories remind him that Regulus would have probably been better off without Sirius coming to speak to him. It reminds him of what happened with Remus and how that conversation is not going to make anything better for the other man either. Regulus and Remus arenot going to be any better for Sirius coming to see them.

***

  1. ~~Attempt to mend things with Regulus~~
  2. At least speak to Remus
  3. Take an impulsive vacation
  4. See Celestina live
  5. See a show on Broadway
  6. Visit every museum in London
  7. Go to some fancy ass casino and make a huge ass bet
  8. Get a new motorcycle
  9. Have one last real good kiss



***

Two days later, Sirius is catching the bus to downtown Godric’s on the hip little side of town. Of course Remus is running a bookshop there. According to Lily, who had been keeping in touch with Remus since he left to go live with his mam up in Wales after… everything. The rest of the friends fell out of touch with Remus, though Sirius is sure that the stubborn bastard was the one who did the pushing away. Not with Sirius though, with Sirius they both ended up at the same conclusion even if it was because of Sirius’ selfish reasons.

Sirius isn’t feeling much better after his conversation with Regulus. They have been texting, and chatting, but Sirius still feels awful. Reggie seems so excited about being in each other’s life again. Even though he knows it doesn’t look good for Sirius’ outlook, he still has hope. It’s the same hope the Effy and Monty and James are carrying around with them. The same little slips in conversations about the future and how Sirius will be there. 

But he won’t be.

Shit, he thinks as he walks from the bus stop to the bookstore. He can see the sign ahead for Full Moon Bookstore and Cafe. Of course it’s called Full Moon because Remus leaned into the jokes about his name being Werewolf McWerewolf. When they were together, there were a lot of canine related jokes. They were insufferable and drove everyone completely insane. Some days, Sirius still misses that type of connection with someone. Even if he did a good job of pretending he didn’t love Remus for the last four years, Sirius knows he can’t deny the fondness that’s still there when he looks past the pain.

When Sirius enters the bookstore he’s greeted with the warm smell that reminds him of Hope Lupin’s home. The woman always had something baking whenever Sirius went up to Cardiff with Remus. He wonders if Hope has moved back down with him, but Remus was good at cooking. Either way the smell is comforting, even if Sirius is feeling a little off at the moment.

The cafe is at the front of the store, and to the back are the books, stacks and stacks, and Sirius wonders where Remus is. If he’s even here. That’d be great if Sirius had come here just to find that Remus is off for the day.

“You’re Padfoot!” Sirius hears the little voice before they see the spitting image of Remus Lupin in front of him — just the mini version.

Sirius blinks a few times, the world feels uneven, but he pushes on because nothing is ever right here. How does this kid know who he is? “Ah, yes, you’re — you’re Teddy?”

“Yeah!” He hops up and down. Clearly he has Nymphadora’s energy because Remus never had been one to be bouncing off the walls. “DAD!” Teddy grabs Sirius’ hand, his little fingers grabbing his first two fingers.

“Yeah, Teddy?” Remus’ voice comes from behind the stacks somewhere.

They pass by the cash wrap where there’s a red headed bloke that looks somewhat familiar. There’s no time to ponder that because somehow Teddy has led Sirius into the backroom and suddenly he’s face to face with Remus Lupin and he’s not even had a second to think. Sirius can feel himself staring open mouthed at Remus as Teddy is hopping around the back room.

“Sirius.”

“Ah, hi, I…” The room seems to be closing in around him and his vision is swimming. “Sorry.”

“No… it’s… Teddy just dragged you back here I’m sure.”

Teddy stops jumping around, making a face like he had just been caught sneaking sweets before dinner. Though Sirius reckons Remus’ sweet tooth makes something like that difficult for him to punish. “Sorry.”

Remus rolls his eyes then ruffles Teddy’s curls with the fondest expression on his face. “It’s okay,  _ cariad _ . How about you go see Auntie Alice and see if she can get you a cookie or something?”

“But  _ Dad _ …” The pout Teddy gives reminds Sirius of his own. He didn’t realize the Black family genes could carry something like that out.

“You can talk to Padfoot later, okay?” Remus glances to Sirius, not really meeting his eyes, as if to ask if it’s okay for Teddy to talk to him. Of course that’s fair to ask because Sirius didn’t want anything to do with him before.

“Yeah, kid, I’ll — yeah.” He doesn’t want to say he’ll be around because he’s not sure how long he’ll be around.

As Remus manages to navigate Teddy out of the back, Sirius’ body goes all tingly as if it’s all fallen asleep. That on top of the haziness in his head the signs were all pointing to one thing.  _ Shit _ , he is going to have a fit isn’t he? He took a deep breath in the hopes that it’s just anxiety. This is not how his talk with Remus is supposed to go.  _ Fuck _ .

“Look, Lily told me you’re ill. Really ill. She didn’t get into it, so I’m sure you’re here for some penance or some shit,” Remus’ voice sounds far away even though he’s right beside him.

“Ah, yeah — um…” The words don’t want to piece together in his brain, and even if they could, he doubts that it would make it to his tongue then out of his mouth.

“Sirius, are you okay?”

“I — um…” He takes a seat on the small sofa that’s tucked into the corner of the room, nearly tripping over a pile of books.

“Do you need me to get you something? Sirius, you’re—”

He’s not sure what Remus is about to say because his world fades to black.

***

_ “I really want this, Sirius. I want to give her this. She wants a kid, so why can’t I help Tonks have a kid? It’s not like I’m fucking her.” Remus says, sitting on the sofa in their flat, watching Sirius walk pace back and forth in front of him. _

_ “It’s weird, Rem.” _

_ “Because she’s your cousin? It’d be weirder if she asked you for the sperm.” _

_ Sirius snickers, thinking that seems like a Black Family thing to do. “She’s so young.” _

_ “Yeah, and she needs a hysterectomy. This is her only chance to have a kid, and she wants one. She’s 23, there’s people in the world that have had kids well before that.” The more Remus talks about it, it doesn’t feel much easier to accept his boyfriend helping his cousin get pregnant. He didn’t want a kid. There is no way that he’s able to be any sort of parent. _

_ “What about me?” _

_ “What about you? You’d be the baby’s cousin?” _

_ “And you’re not going to raise it?” It seems impossible that Remus wouldn’t be involved in the baby’s life because Remus was a good person even if he could be a stubborn bastard. _

_ “No because I’m not going to be the dad, am I? Just the donor.” _

_ Sirius bites his lip, pausing in the middle of the floor. “And you don’t want to be a dad?” _

_ “Not yet.” He studies his cuticles to avoid eye contact with Sirius. They were friends for years before they got together and had been dating for about two years now, Sirius knew all of his tells. _

_ “I don’t want a kid.” _

_ “I know you don’t and that’s fine.” _

_ “For now.” _

_ “Sirius.” Remus huffs, holding a hand out. “I’ll live without having a kid.” _

_ Pausing, he shifts from foot to foot before taking Remus’ hand. “You’re telling me that you’re not going to look at this little baby and not have any sort of regret?” _

_ “I can’t say that, but you’re more important to me than a mythical baby.” _

_ “I don’t think they’re mythical, Remus.” Sirius tries to joke, sitting down on the sofa. _

_ “It’s you I want, Sirius. I want a life with you — whatever that means. But, I also want to help Tonks now because she’s in a bind.” _

_ As much as he doesn’t want to say that he’s fine with it, Sirius gives in. Tonks deserves a baby if she wants to try to have one and it is Remus’ body. It’s going to be strange though, having this person in their life that was part Remus but not his kid, only through biology. _

_ *** _

As the world rushes back to him, Sirius hears Remus’ voice all muffled and tinny somewhere nearby. When he opens his eyes there’s two small ones peering at him, wide and hazel. They’re bright and questioning, and far too much like Teddy’s father that it makes Sirius feel even more sick to his stomach than he already is.

“Are you ill?” Teddy asks, his head tilted. He’s so curious.

Sirius is taken aback by the question, but the kid probably had seen him have a fit. Not a great first impression to make and it probably scared the shit out of him. “Yeah, I am.”

He shifts to sit with Sirius. “Oh. Are you gonna die? My mummy died and Grammy too.” The casualness of the question makes Sirius’ eyes widen.

Shit, the last he knew Andi was still very much alive. So that meant Hope had passed away. Fuck. Remus was so close to his mother, he must be so torn apart. First his dad then Tonks then his mam… now Sirius. But did Sirius even matter to him? Sirius wants to sit up but he doesn’t think that he has the energy to do so.

“Teddy, careful. Oh yeah, he’s awake. Sirius, are you okay?” Remus comes into view above him. His phone is pressed to his ear.

“Yeah, yeah. It was — it was just a fit.” He closes his eyes again. “Are you calling an ambulance.”

“Yes, they’re on their way.”

Sirius huffs as he feels Teddy snuggle up with him. “It’s okay, Padfoot, you’ll be all right.”

If his body didn’t feel completely wrecked at that moment then he would sit up and he would argue with Remus to force him not to bring the ambulance. It seems like far too much effort now, so he closes his eyes. Teddy pets his hair, as if he’s petting a dog as his dad is on the phone. He has missed four years of this little boy’s life, and somehow Teddy knew him.

“Sirius?” Remus asks again.

“Yeah?”

“They’re wondering if you’re conscious.”

“I am, I’m fine.” Sirius forces his eyes to open. “This happens.”

The sigh Remus lets out is the same he used to let out when Sirius left his clothes out instead of putting them in the hamper. “Is this because of your cancer?”

Sirius furrows his brow as he watches Remus looking at him expectantly. That way Remus looks when he’s waiting for Sirius to say something that he already knows the answer to. “You know?”

“Lily told me.” Remus waves a hand as he holds the phone to his ear.

It seems like Sirius blinks and the EMTs are there standing around him. Remus brings Teddy back out to the front of the store, leaving Sirius to deal with what he needs to deal with. He wants to wave the EMTs off right away, but he lets them take his vitals while he explains his conditions. Everything feels wrong and weird as he tries to show them that he’s okay. But he’s not okay, he’s dying and he’s trying to make some sort of amends with the man who he swore, at one point, would have his heart forever.

Eventually Sirius signs a waiver, and the EMTs leave him with a warning to go see his doctor. If it’s up to him, he plans to avoid it for sometime because it still seems pointless. Though he’s sure that Effy will get him there sooner or later. There is little doubt that she’s already scheming a way to drag him back to the office so he’s able to get some help to live maybe just a little longer. Right now going there is the last thing on his mind. All Sirius wants is to crawl back into his bed and sleep for days.

“I’m driving you home.” Remus’ voice reaches Sirius before he even comes into the back room. His curls are in disarray, as if he’s been running his fingers through his hair. He probably has because Remus did that a lot when he was worried, or at least he used to.

“I’m staying at Effy and Monty’s.”

“Great, I’ll come say hi because Effy’s been insisting since I got back. I just haven’t in case… well, in case I ran into you.” Remus looks behind him. “I have to bring Teddy, I hope that’s okay.”

The words  _ of course it’s okay _ are on his lips, but he doesn’t say it because Remus no doubt thinks otherwise. “Yeah.” He nods, his head swimming still but not as bad.

“Can you walk? I’m parked just across the street.”

Sirius nods, biting his lip as he stands up and hopes his knees don’t give out from under him. Without a word, Remus wraps his arm around Sirius’ waist as Teddy skips into the room. His stomach twists in a strange sort of way as Teddy chatters on about how they were going to the zoo tomorrow afternoon. He’s a pretty cute kid, but it’s so strange to see him walking and talking and being this real tiny person. The last time Sirius had seen him he was a wrinkly pink potato basically.

“Okay, here we are.” Remus stops in front of his Nissan that he’s been driving since Sirius could remember.

“I could take—”

Remus fixes him with a look as he opens the passenger door for Sirius while teddy clambers into his car seat. Sirius shuts his mouth, and slides into the car that brought back some memories. Like the time they had got caught in the rain when they went for a hike up in Wales. When they got back to the car they were soaked through and decided the best thing to do was to take off all their clothes and—

“Sirius! Do you like lions?” Teddy asks as Remus starts the car.

“Teddy, love, let’s try being a little quieter?” Watching Remus parent is almost soothing, like he’s meant to be a dad and the world’s right because of it.

Sirius laughs, pulling one leg up onto the seat. He looks in the rearview mirror at Teddy, who’s munching away at some popcorn now. “I like lions, yeah, they’re pretty cool.”

“We’re gonna see lions at the zoo, Dad says.”

“Lions are really cool.”

“You can come to the zoo with us tomorrow. Right, Dad?”

He doesn’t want to look at Remus because he’s not sure what he’s going to see. Talking to Teddy might be off limits, but Teddy knows who he is. Clearly Remus has told Teddy about Sirius and probably the rest of the family. The fact Teddy knows who he is makes Sirius even more sick to his stomach because the past with Remus feels like even more of a mistake than before. He shouldn’t have come to the bookstore. He shouldn’t have talked to Remus. Not that they talked because his fucking body interrupted everything before he even had the chance to talk to him.

For the rest of the ride, Teddy continues to chatter on about the zoo. Then he tells Sirius about their dog Snuffles, a big wolfhound. Sirius bites back a joke about how Moony got a wolf dog because joking doesn’t feel right at the moment. Another wolf joke amongst far too many, all of which seem to have been made a million years ago.

Remus barely speaks, letting his son and the music fill in any silences. When they get to the Potter’s Teddy remarks about how they must be rich because the house looks so big. That makes both Remus and Sirius laugh as they get out of the car.

“Are they rich?” Teddy wonders in the walk to the door. “Do they have a pool and a tennis court?”

“Well, they are rich, yeah.” His dad scoops him up before they get to the door. Sirius isn’t sure why they had to walk him to the house when Remus could have just dropped him off.

“There is a tennis court and a pool, but not at this house,” Sirius explains to Teddy when the door opens in front of them.

Effy is standing there, eyes wide and bouncing between Sirius and Remus. “Oh my goodness. Remus Lupin.” She grins before wrapping her arms around Remus. “You must be Teddy,” Effy looks at Teddy who is staring at her.

“You’re rich.”

A soft laugh runs through the three adults. “I think so,  _ pyaare bete _ .” She ruffles Teddy’s curls. “It’s so good to see you. I haven’t since you were a tiny baby.”

Teddy giggles as Effy steps back slightly. “Come in you three.”

“I can’t, I have to get back to the store to sign for an order.”

“Then you’ll come to dinner tomorrow.” When Effy Potter insists on something, you’re bound to do it. “I won’t take no for an answer. James, Lily, and Harry are coming. We should invite Regulus and his boyfriend.”

Remus glances to Sirius. He’s probably surprised at the mention of Regulus. They had been talking a lot since the other day, and he did want to spend more time with him. “Is that okay?”

“I came to talk to you, yeah it’s okay.” Sirius leans against the doorframe because he’s not sure he can hold himself up much longer.

“We’ll have dinner. Teddy wants to meet Harry, don’t you?” Remus bounced him a little.

“Yeah!”

“Excellent, Remus I’ll make all your favorites. Then you two can chat because it seems like you didn’t get a chance. Are you okay Sirius?”

Sirius says he’s all right, but he’s not, is he? He’s never going to be truly okay anymore because he’s dying and right now his ex boyfriend is standing there with his son.

“He’s not okay. He had a fit, so he at least needs some rest.”

With dinner plans secure, Sirius makes his way up to his bedroom with Effy asking questions about the fit, as if Sirius could remember. When he makes it to his bed he kicks off his shoes before he slips off to sleep.

***

_ “Tonks… Tonks is — she died and you — you don’t want me to take care of my son.” Remus is standing with Teddy against his chest, looking out the window of a hospital room. His cousin was dead, something went terribly wrong during childbirth and now this baby didn’t have a mum. _

_ Sirius closes his eyes tight for a moment. “I’m not a parent, Remus. You said you wouldn’t want to raise the kid. Now you’re calling him your son.” _

_ The muscles in Remus’ jaw tense and tremble. He’s holding back what he really wants to say and Sirius hates everything. Being a parent scares the hell out of him because his own did a number on him. _

_ “We’re so young and I’m…” _

_ “You’re not your parents.” _

_ “You don’t know that,” Sirius whispers because he wants to yell so he goes for the opposite. _

_ “I do because I love you and you love me. You’re so good with Haz. You’re so sweet and kind and you love so fully and completely that it makes me — makes me dizzy sometimes.” _

_ “I’m not ready, Remus.” _

_ The look that passes over Remus’ face is one that Sirius doesn’t recognize. “You can’t make me choose between you or Teddy.” _

_ Sirius shakes his head. “I won’t make you choose.” His throat feels as if it’s constricting. “I’ll leave because you — I want you to have this.” _

_ Remus looks away from him. “Sure. Yeah, just leave then. Actually, I’ll leave and go home to Wales. You can stay here at the flat.” _

_ Nearly five years together and even more years of friendship and it is all over now because Sirius is selfish. _

***

The next afternoon, Sirius is feeling somewhat human. Remus and Teddy are going to be here at any time, and Regulus is already down with the Potters. For some reason (anxiety) Sirius is taking a while to get himself together. In his chest his heart is thudding away at his ribs like a reminder that he’s still on this earth and he still has to deal with these emotions.

The knock on the door lets him know that he’s officially late according to Effy. No more ignoring things now. “I’m coming, Eff.”

“It’s Remus, can I come in?”

Sirius looks up from his shoes, which he’s having trouble tying and he’s about to just go find a pair he can slip on. Shoelaces and buttons have been little bastards the last few days. His hand-eye coordination is basically going down into the pits. He hates it because it’s just another sign that the tumor’s growing and the cancer’s spreading day by day.

“Oh, ah, sure.” He stays sitting on the bed because his stupid shoes are still untied.

Remus slips inside, closing the door behind him. Sirius realizes that he’s going grey around the temples, weren’t they still too young for that? Though they always joked that Remus had an old soul. “Sorry, I figured if you came down then we’d not have a chance to chat. It was hard enough to have James let go of me as it was.”

“Right. Um, hopefully I won’t just have a fit in the middle of things this time.” Sirius snickers as Remus steps closer.

“So, it’s bad?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re not doing anything about it? Don’t you have any choices? Chances?” Remus furrows his brow.

Sirius’ eyes slid down to his lap. “Nothing’s going to work.”

“How do you know that?” He asks as Sirius can hear him pacing because that’s what Remus does when he’s nervous. The memory of him doing it in the waiting room as Tonks was delivering Teddy floods his brain.

“I don’t know for sure but why suffer, why draw it out?” He rubs his eyes.

“Because your life is worth it.” The bed dips and Remus’ hand is on Sirius’ back. “You’ve got family and friends who love you and care about you.” Remus rubs his back in that same soothing way that he used to when he would wake up with nightmares in the middle of the night.

“But the pain it’ll cause—”

“It’s going to hurt every which way.” Remus sniffles, and Sirius is afraid to look up to see him crying. He shouldn’t be crying because they had been broken up for four years now. Of course Sirius knew that feelings were still there, pushing away at his chest as if he was doing everything in his power to hold it back. “You’re scared and when you’re scared you avoid things.”

That was why they broke up, wasn’t it? Sirius was selfish and scared, and Remus wanted to face things head on and he was a martyr who always put others first. “Why are you so level headed?”

“I don’t know, I’ve always been the more pragmatic one, haven’t I? Things haven’t changed.”

Sirius finally lifts his head to find Remus peering at him. “We know deep down you’re a sarcastic bastard who plans the best pranks.”

“Only because I’m pragmatic. You and James just threw yourself into things.” He smiles, showing off those dimples that used to make Sirius’ heart race.

“Yeah… no pranks now, I can’t even tie my bloody shoes.”

The grin falters on Remus’ lips. “Well, you’ve got plenty of people around to help tie your shoes or make you soup when you’re nauseous or to hold your hand when you’re scared.”

“How come you’re being nice to me?” Sirius pulls back a little because he doesn’t want to be this vulnerable right now.

“Because — because I haven’t stopped thinking about you for the last four years.” He stands back up, and Sirius already misses the heat of his body and the firm hand on his back. “Because even if you were a selfish prick, we didn’t even talk about Teddy. We both just — both just assumed didn’t we?”

Sirius agrees as Remus starts to pace again and he runs his fingers through his curls. “I would have been a shite Dad.”

“You don’t know that, Sirius. Just like you don’t know that you’re going to die. You’ve never done what’s expected so why do you think that you’re going to fall into that cycle your parents were in or be just another statistic for this cancer?” Remus throws his arms out and his voice raises slightly. “I’ve always told Teddy about everyone, including you. He doesn’t know we used to date, but he knows you’re a badass who used to own a motorcycle until you wrecked it one day. I want you to be a badass still.”

“I don’t know if I have the energy to be a badass.” He shakes his head. He’s fucking terrified. Even though Remus believes in him, as does everyone else he’s not sure if he has what it takes to keep going.

“Then let everyone help you be a badass.” As he paces, he keeps running his hands through his hair. Sirius wants those hands on him and wants to just burrow into Remus’ chest.

“I don’t… I can’t decide.”

“All right, don’t decide tonight, but don’t give up, okay? Please.” Remus sounds like he’s begging. “Not yet, okay?”

Sirius nods quickly because Remus is making his heart swell, and he doesn’t want to give up yet. He wants to stay a little longer and talk a little more.

Remus pauses, looking at the list tucked into Sirius’ mirror. “How come you haven’t crossed off two? You’ve at least spoken to me.”

“Yeah.”

Without asking, Remus takes the list from the mirror. It’s like he belongs in the space — as if he’s never left the space. Though, Remus has always been there, tucked away somewhere deep in his heart waiting for Sirius to unpack the feelings once again. Sirius has so many questions for him, but right now he’s fine with just being. “I’m crossing it off.” He walks over to the night stand and plucks up the pen there.

“Sure.” Sirius scrapes his teeth over his bottom lip.

“I have tickets for Celestina next Thursday. Someone from a local business thing welcomed me with them. I was going to give them to Alice and Frank, but if you want to go…” he trails off as he crosses off number two. “We’ll cross off four on Thursday.”

He watches Remus, wondering if he’s having a hallucination. This is real. Remus is here and wants to be around him. “Really?”

“Yeah. I could help you with maybe number 6 too… the others, I’m not sure. What’s 10?”

“I don’t know.” Sirius shrugs. Every time he looks at the list it feels like the spot is taunting him. “It’s just another thing to figure out.”

“I’m sure you can come up with something.”

“I told Lily I want my art to sell and be crazy famous when I die. She didn’t like that one.” 

“I mean, that’s a goal, but I think it’s stuff to do  _ before _ you die.” He chuckles as he goes to tuck the paper away. “We should get downstairs. Teddy hasn’t shut up about you since the other day.”

Sirius smiles. “Really? He really likes me?”

“Yeah, kids like you. Harry’s always loved you and he’s still crazy about his Padfoot. Teddy thinks you’re  _ cool _ . I know being a parent scares you, but you can still be a cool  _ whatever _ to these kids.” He gestures vaguely, moving closer to Sirius once more.

“I should have—”

“I think we’re well past  _ should have _ . It’s been four years.” He shook his head.

“Okay, okay. I’m going to change shoes.”

Remus rolls his eyes, kneeling down on one knee in front of Sirius. “Like I said, let us help you be a badass. I tie shoes often enough.”

Sirius wants to yank his foot away and say he’s not helpless, but he does need help. Remus was right. But this feels so intimate, Remus on one knee tying his shoes. The only time he thought that either of them would be on one knee like this before they fell apart was when a proposal happened. Now Remus is here tying his shoes because he’s so ill that he can’t even do that.

“Thank you,” Sirius speaks so softly he’s not even sure if he’s loud enough for Remus to hear.

With a shrug, Remus stands up with a hand out to Sirius. “Don’t thank me, I want to help because I still care about you.”

“Somehow.” Sirius lets Remus pull him up.

“Yeah, somehow. However it works, it’s fine. We can argue about things some other time. Right now I’m so fucking hungry and I’m sure James is dying to crush me again.”

“His hugs  _ hurt _ . They just got tighter since you went to Wales.”

“Yeah.” Remus squeezes his hand before dropping it and Sirius nearly snatched it up again. “I’m glad I’m back.”

“Did — did Hope pass away? Teddy said…”

“No,” Remus snickers. “She didn’t, he’s talking about my grandmother. Hope’s still alive and well. She moved to Spain with her boyfriend.”

The relief settles in his chest. “Shit, god. I’m sorry about your grandmother. Also, damn Hope.”

“He’s younger too. The cougar.”

“Good for her.” Sirius laughs, shaking his head. It could be okay, even if it’s only for a little while.

***

  1. ~~Attempt to mend things with Regulus~~
  2. ~~At least speak to Remus~~
  3. Take an impulsive vacation
  4. See Celestina live
  5. See a show on Broadway
  6. Visit every museum in London
  7. Go to some fancy ass casino and make a huge ass bet
  8. Get a new motorcycle
  9. Have one last real good kiss



***

From dinner Friday night until Remus arrives on Thursday afternoon, Remus and Sirius talk often. He even video chats with Teddy a few times, who attempts to read him a book that Remus read him when he was ill. There is no doubt that Teddy is adorable, but parenting still is not in Sirius’ cards. Remus doesn’t want him to parent though, he’s clarified that. He just wants Sirius to be around, and that’s okay with him even if Sirius isn’t sure how long he’ll be there.

When Sirius slides into the car, he’s happy that he’s having a somewhat decent day so far. His body isn’t being a complete and total arsehole for the first time in a while. It seems like ages since he hasn’t just wanted to stay in bed for the whole night. No doubt there’s some sort of excitement because he’s seeing one of his most loved performers… he also gets to spend time with Remus. A week ago he didn’t think that they could even ever be mates again, but right now everything feels good. Their relationship is some sort of comfort blanket.

“Ready?” Remus asks, turning towards Sirius. Shit, he’s still so handsome that it make Sirius’ knees go weak in a way that has nothing to do with his fucking cancer.

“Yeah,” Sirius agrees as he puts on his seatbelt. “Where’s the mini for the night?” He’s taken to calling Teddy mini because he's this mini version of Remus mixed with Tonks.

“I just dropped him at Andi and Ted’s. He was very upset that he couldn’t come.”

The other night Sirius talked to Andi asking why she hadn’t told him Remus was back. She told him it was because she didn’t think that he’d want to know. That was true at the time, but that conversation before dinner got Sirius right back into his feelings with Remus. Now he’s nervous about diving in, but Remus doesn’t seem to be pushing him away. He’s actually encouraging him by calling or texting everyday. He doesn’t want Remus — or Teddy — to hurt when he dies. God, Sirius wishes he could just turn back time and try earlier with Remus, and with Regulus because that’s going great as well.

“Ah, poor kid.”

Remus is quiet for a moment as they pull out of the Potter’s. Sirius knows that he’s turning something over in his mind before he speaks. “You don’t mind him wanting to talk to you, do you? He was begging the other night to read that book, I didn’t want to bother you…”

Sirius shakes his head. “No, no, he’s a great kid. I don’t mind… you’ve done a good job with him.”

“Mmm, Mam helped a lot.”

“Don’t give me the Remus Lupin humble bullshit.” He rolled his eyes.

“Okay, okay. I’ve done a good job raising the kid thus far.”

“You never could take a compliment.” Sirius rests back in his seat, watching Remus with a fond smile. How could Sirius fuck up so much that he missed out on four years with Remus? How could Remus even forgive him? He doesn’t want to think it’s the cancer, the pity. With Reggie, it’s different because their parents are to blame for their division. With Sirius, it’s all on Sirius.

“No, not much has changed, has it?” Remus laughs, shaking his head.

Sirius’ smile fell from his face. “Well, I’m dying.”

“Mmm, I mean technically we all are.”

“But mine seems far more imminent right now.” Sirius clenches his hand in his lap, and a second later Remus’ fingers wrap around the fist.

“I know,” Remus whispers softly, his fingers going to wrap around their wrist. “It is.”

“You’re not going to tell me to do something about it?”

He laughs, shaking his head. “You know that I can never tell you to do anything. If you don’t do it the first time, telling you over and over again will only make you not want to do it.”

Sirius laughs because god, if that wasn’t the truth. It’s his usual rebellious nature that he can’t outrun even in his thirties. “Yeah, it’s annoying, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s insanely annoying.” Remus rolls his eyes as they stop at a light. “But that’s who you are.”

“And you wouldn’t change it?”

“Maybe I would sometimes.”

Sirius tries not to frown when Remus puts his hand back on the steering wheel instead of keeping it around his wrist. God, they are right back in it, aren’t they? Or at least Sirius is and Remus is placating him. Sirius wants to ask if Remus actually wants to be near him, be with him or if it’s the cancer. Not that they’re really together, Remus is just here and trying to be there for him.

They chat the rest of the way, joking and laughing. Happy times are brought back up, but they avoid the end of their relationship. Talking about that part doesn’t seem important. When they fell apart, it happened in a blink of an eye compared to their whole time together. One moment Remus made a choice then Sirius made his own out of fear. That part of their life doesn’t matter right now because they’re here and Sirius doesn’t have the time to worry about it.

The rest of the night, Sirius loses himself in the music and Celestina’s performance. At one point he has to sit while watching the show because it feels as if his legs are going to give out, but he carries on. Remus doesn’t make him leave or go home, he just sits next to him, and they both get lost in the music.

***

  1. ~~Attempt to mend things with Regulus~~
  2. ~~At least speak to Remus~~
  3. Take an impulsive vacation
  4. ~~See Celestina live~~
  5. See a show on Broadway
  6. Visit every museum in London
  7. Go to some fancy ass casino and make a huge ass bet
  8. Get a new motorcycle
  9. Have one last real good kiss



***

“Then there’s a big bad man who comes out of the woods!” Teddy waves his fork around as Sirius backs up a little so he doesn’t accidentally get stabbed.

“That sounds like a scary story.”

The last week has been rough. His depth perception has gone to shit right along with the hand-eye coordination. For the last three days he hasn’t got out of bed because he’s felt like absolute shit. Tonight Remus and Teddy have come to visit him with food from his favorite restaurant. He is so happy to see not just Remus, but Teddy. There is something so sweet about Teddy, and Sirius wishes he could know him for a bit longer.

“Careful Teds.” Remus shakes his head but he has a smile on his face.

“Yeah, kid, don’t stab me.”

Wrapping his arms around Sirius’ neck, Teddy pouts. “Sorry.”

Something different, warm and pleasant, settles in his chest as he hugs Teddy back. This little human doesn’t care about Sirius’ past or how things went down between him and his dad. Teddy just wants to be best friends with Sirius. It’s hard to push him away when he crawls into his lap or when he takes Sirius’ hands and drags him around. Somehow, Teddy just wants to be around Sirius. For some reason, Sirius wants to be around him too. He’s not sure if he would ever be able to be a parent, but there’s not much time left to have to worry about that.

Christ. Just the thought of Teddy being upset of Sirius dying hurts more than anything. He doesn’t want that to happen to this little kid, but it’s going to. Even if Sirius pulls away from Remus and Teddy right now, it would happen. They would both be sad, and Teddy is going to cry. That’s heartbreaking.

“Are you okay?” Remus’ brow is pinched as he starts to gather up their empty or mostly empty food containers.

“I’m fine, why?” Sirius asks as Teddy settles into his lap, curling up against his chest. Who allowed this kid to be so fucking cute and to be so able to pull at Sirius’ heart strings?

“Don’t know, you looked a little melancholy.” He sets the containers on the side table. “Teddy and I were thinking of going to London this coming weekend. We were wondering if you’d like to go to some museums. Check that one off.” Remus sits back against the headboard, and Sirius is so tempted to shuffle up close to him.

Since rekindling this — whatever  _ this _ is because it’s so loosely defined — Sirius has relished in any sort of physical comfort. Whenever Remus puts a hand on his back or wraps his fingers around Sirius’ wrist, everything is okay for a few moments. Sirius is grounded and safe for a few moments. Nothing matters, but Remus’ presence. Sirius doesn’t know where they stand so snuggling up with him seems a bit too much.

“Yeah, I only have three more museums to get to in order to check them all off.” Sirius explains as Teddy clambers off of his lap.

“I needa go to the bathroom,” Teddy announces as he jumps off the bed.

“You know how to get to it?” Sirius asks.

Teddy nods like he’s about to head out on a mission. Sirius gives him the thumbs up before he leaves the room. Behind Sirius, Remus laughs. “He’s something else.”

“Mmm, he’s funny like Tonks.”

“Oi, am I not funny?”

Sirius laughs as he moves a little closer to Remus. “You’re funny in a dry way. Tonks and Teddy, they’re more — lively?”

“Right, no, that makes sense.” He reaches out for Sirius. “Come ‘ere.”

“What?”

“Come cuddle, stop looking at me like that.” Remus scoffs as Sirius’ cheeks heat up.

“How am I looking at you?”

“Like you’re dying for some physical comfort. I know you — knew you for ages.” 

When Sirius reaches for Remus’ hand, the other man hauls him over. He closes his eyes and rests his head on his shoulder, exhausted from just the smallest amount of human contact. Remus’ arms around him makes him feel warm and fuzzy in a good way, not in the feverish dizzy way that he’s been used to lately. “I want to go London with you both this weekend, if I’m up for it.”

“Okay. I’ll drive us, which is hell but at least you won’t have to take public transportation. That’s probably tiring.” His fingers card through Sirius’ hair.

“That’d be good, I think. As long as I can manage to walk then I’ll go, but maybe we don’t tell Teddy so he doesn’t get his hopes up,” Sirius says quietly. Why does he care so much about Teddy? He doesn’t understand this need to protect him. Granted, he feels the same about Harry, who he wants to protect with his life. Maybe he would have been okay with Teddy as a baby, but that’s something that he can no longer go back and fix.

“All right, we can do what you can. Want me to see if I can find a wheelchair?”

Sirius laughs, shaking his head without picking up from Remus’ shoulder. “No, that’s ridiculous.”

“But if you need it.”

Sirius grimaces because he doesn’t want to need it at all. He doesn’t want anything at all to help him. Giving into help makes Sirius feel like he’s giving up on everything. “We’ll see.”

“Okay. We’ll see.”

“Dad! Padfoot, can we watch a movie, please?” Teddy came barreling back into the bedroom and Sirius felt the mattress shifting and dipping under his weight.

“That sounds good, Teddy.” Sirius lifts his head from Remus’ shoulder, but Remus doesn’t move.

“A funny movie,” Teddy declares as Sirius reaches for the remote.

“Funny movie coming right up.”

As Sirius looks for a movie, snuggled up against Remus with Teddy bouncing on the bed, he wonders for the millionth time if this could have been his life for the last four years. This could have been it. He could have been so happy with the both if he didn’t get scared and wasn’t so selfish. Maybe he could get a little more time with them though if he just… if he just actually did something about the cancer.

When the movie switches on, Teddy settles down against Sirius’ legs. About halfway through Teddy is snoring softly and Remus is still holding on to Sirius. “I like this,” Sirius whispers.

“Yeah? Me too.”

“Don’t go, stay here please.” Sirius hears the begging note in his voice, but he doesn’t feel so bad about it. Being alone in bed tonight seems hard after being surrounded by warmth and care. “Teddy’s in his pjs and you have sweats on. Effy will make breakfast.”

“Okay, it’s all right, I’ll stay.” 

Sirius swears Remus brushes his lips against his forehead. “All right. I’m feeling like a clingy bastard tonight.”

“That’s fine, you can be a clingy bastard if you want.” He shifts a little.

“You’re being too nice to me.”

“Too tired to be an actual bastard right now.”

Sirius yawns. “Mmm, okay.”

“Go to sleep Sirius.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he mumbles as sleep pulls him closer.

***

“You did mean art museum, right?” Remus asks as they walk slowly towards their final destination. There wasn’t anywhere to park close, and Sirius was near the point of exhaustion. Teddy was hopping up and down as Remus held tight to his son’s hand. They had just stopped for ice cream, so he’s on a sugar rush.

Sirius gives a tired laugh. “Yeah, only the art ones. I’ve been working on it since we were teens.”

After Remus and Teddy had spent the night the other day, Sirius was feeling better. When Remus asked the night before if Sirius wanted to come to London, he said yes eagerly. Thankfully it worked out because so far he had a wonderful day. Now though, he’s getting tired and his legs are weak. There’s also this weird spot in the corner of his vision making things blurry. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it though because he’ll have to acknowledge things are getting worse and worse every moment. 

“I can’t believe you never made it to the Tate Modern until today, and now the ICA.” He shakes his head as they arrive in front of the white building.

“You know I’m not the biggest fan of contemporary art.”

Remus lets out a loud laugh. “Sirius, you make contemporary art.”

“I know, but I hate most contemporary galleries because nothing makes sense to me. I’m judgey, you know this.”

“That’s true. Teddy nearly did run over those crumpled pieces of paper at the Tate because he didn’t think they were an exhibit.” He snorts a laugh.

At that moment Sirius’ world shifts, causing him to grip at Remus’ arm. He’s sure he’s going to pass out. “I need to sit.”

Remus lets go of Teddy and grabs Sirius to make sure he’s okay. “Ted, stay close. Let’s sit on this bench, huh?” He nods somewhere behind Sirius.

Teddy agrees because he’s a good kid as Sirius’ world is spinning. Soon enough he’s sitting on a stone bench and Remus is rummaging through the backpack he’s been carrying with some stuff for Teddy inside of it. Teddy’s just running circles around the bench and it seems like the world has settled slight for Sirius.

Placing a bottle in Sirius’ hand, Remus looks at him intently. “You all right?”

“Yeah, just got a little dizzy.”

Remus nods. “You up for this?”

“It’s the last one, I need to at least step foot in one of the galleries.” Sirius shakes his head as he tries to open the cap with his trembling fingers.

Without speaking, Remus takes the water back and uncaps it. “Okay, one gallery then we’ll head home. You can wait in the entry while Teddy and I walk back to get the car.”

“I can—”

“You’re going to wait.” He waves a hand as Teddy stops to stand in front of them. “But first we’ll go in and look at one of the galleries.”

Sirius wants to argue against it more but he’s so fucking tired and ready to curl and sleep. “I can’t see out of the corner of my right eye,” he says quietly as Teddy disappears in the blind spot.

“What do you want to do about it?” Remus asks calmly because a bomb could be going off and Remus would still manage to act as if nothing was wrong on the outside.

“I don’t know. I’m scared.” He sniffs, trying not to cry but it feels like he’s been holding back tears for the last few weeks.

“I wish I could make it better. I don’t know what to do either. The only thing I can say is go back to see your oncologist and make a plan.” Remus hugs him tight, and Sirius buries his face in his shoulder. A few seconds later he feels Teddy’s little arms wrapping around his side.

“It’s okay Padfoot, I get scared of going to the doctor’s too. Dad goes with me though and makes me feel better. He kisses my boo-boos when I get a shot. Dad can kiss your boo-boos too.”

Sirius lets out a strangled sort of laugh as Remus pulls back to ruffle his son’s hair. “I don’t know about kissing boo boos, but I can go to the doctor with you if you want.”

The question on the tip of his tongue is  _ why _ again. Instead of asking that he just nods because Remus makes things better. He’s always made things better. When they were younger he always went to Remus when he was really down. They always just got one another without too many words.

“Can I come?” Teddy asks, tilting his head.

“Maybe not, kid, but we can hang out another time.” He manages not to cry, looking down at Teddy.

For a moment Teddy looks thoughtful, but nods in agreement. “Okay. Maybe we can go to the park?”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” Sirius agrees before taking a sip of water. The world is beginning to right itself just a bit, no longer spinning as fast as before.

“And get ice cream.”

“I think you’ve had enough ice cream for three weeks!” Remus laughs, leaning forward to pick up Teddy.

“NOOO DAD!”

“There’s never going to be too much ice cream, Remus.” He chuckles before drinking some more water.

Eventually Sirius is all right enough to stand up and go into the ICA. They only make it around one gallery, but it’s enough for Sirius to feel able to tick off the box. With how he’s currently feeling, he’s not sure if he’s ever going to make it long enough to finish the rest of his list. He’s certainly never going to figure out one more thing to put on his list.

***

  1. ~~Attempt to mend things with Regulus~~
  2. ~~At least speak to Remus~~
  3. Take an impulsive vacation
  4. ~~See Celestina live~~
  5. See a show on Broadway
  6. ~~Visit every museum in London~~
  7. Go to some fancy ass casino and make a huge ass bet
  8. Get a new motorcycle
  9. Have one last real good kiss



***

Sirius makes an appointment for the following Wednesday, the soonest he can get it. His vision is still shit in his right eye and his fatigue and dizziness seems to be getting worse by the day. The appointment goes as Sirius assumes it’ll go: it’s dire and if you want a chance you need to start treatment now. The whole time Remus holds Sirius’ hands, asks questions, and assures Sirius. They plan for a scan the next day and go from there. Surgery, drug therapy, and chemo; the list goes on and on of what they want to do in order to keep Sirius alive.

As he pours himself into Remus’ car, Sirius’ brain keeps turning over if it’s worth it. Thankfully Sirius’ mind is able to continue to spin and to turn as he thinks everything over, the car ride is silent. He’s not sure where they’re going but it’s not back to the Potter’s because it’s the opposite way, and he knows it’s not Andi’s to pick Teddy up because it’s not the right way either. Maybe to the bookstore, but Sirius doesn’t ask because he can only think about how he’s going to go through this all just to die a little later. The choice is hard, but it will give Sirius more time.

On the radio, the song changes from  _ Gold Dust Woman _ to  _ Hurt _ — the Johnny Cash version. Sirius slips into the lyrics and they wrap around his heart and lungs like crawling vines. It makes him remember all the pain he’s caused Remus. All the pain he’s caused everyone. No one has been safe from Sirius’ selfishness. They are all at risk of being torn apart, but yet these people who love him don’t want to turn away.

_ The needle tears a hole  
_ _ The old familiar sting  
_ _ Try to kill it all away  
_ _ But I remember everything  
  
  
_ _ What have I become  
_ _ My sweetest friend?  
_ _ Everyone I know  
_ _ Goes away in the end  
  
  
_ _ And you could have it all  
_ _ My empire of dirt  
_ _ I will let you down  
_ _ I will make you hurt _

For years he avoided fixing things with his brother out of fear. He turned his back on Remus, avoiding a hard road because he didn’t want to put anyone but himself first to raise Teddy. Now he was about to die, let himself drift away without fighting, even when everything is beginning to feel better with everyone. Especially Remus.

_ I wear this crown of thorns  
_ _ Upon my liar's chair  
_ _ Full of broken thoughts  
_ _ I cannot repair  
  
_

_ Beneath the stains of time  
_ _ The feelings disappear  
_ _ You are someone else  
_ _ I am still right here  
  
_

_ What have I become  
_ _ My sweetest friend?  
_ _ Everyone I know  
_ _ Goes away in the end _

For what feels like the first time since his diagnosis, Sirius bursts into tears. The sob rips from the center of his chest. It’s full body, ugly, and painful. Nothing but agony flows out of him for what feels like hours. He’s going to die and leave behind all the people who love him. All the people who arethere for him. He isn’t ready yet. He doesn’t want to go. He wants to stay right here and be surrounded by his friends and this wonderful man who somehow still cares for him and his hilarious kid who looks up to him in some way.

_ And you could have it all  
_ _ My empire of dirt  
_ _ I will let you down  
_ _ I will make you hurt  
  
_

_ If I could start again  
_ _ A million miles away  
_ _ I will keep myself  
_ _ I would find a way _

“It’s okay, Sirius, it’s all right.” Remus’ arms are around him, and Sirius can’t see through the tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Sirius repeats like a sort of prayer, hoping for penance. Forgiveness for the pain he’s caused in the past and the inevitable agony that will come in a few weeks, or months…

“I know.” He rubs his back as Sirius chokes on another sob.

They sit there in Remus’ car for far too long before Sirius is able to get out of it. He’s surprised that they’re at Remus’ flat. In the haze of his post-cry brain, he realizes it’s the first time that he’s stepped into his space. It’s warm, and reminds Sirius of their old flat they had together. That causes another strong twist in his chest and his eyes well up again, but thankfully he doesn’t start sobbing again because he’s not sure if his body can handle that.

Remus sits Sirius down on the sofa before going off towards the kitchen. Sirius sits there staring blankly at the wall, unsure of what to do or say. Everything feels new and different and strange. The world doesn’t feel as if it’s ending for some reason.

“Tea.” Remus sets the mug beside Sirius on the side table before sitting down. “Are you… well you’re not all right, so I don’t know what I’m asking.”

Sirius shakes his head. “I feel a little better? I mean, I could drop dead tomorrow, but for some reason I don’t feel as bad.”

“I hate crying, I avoid it like the plague, but sometimes a cry does that.”

“I know, you try to be a cold bastard.” He turns in his seat to look at Remus and Remus mirrors his movement. “But, maybe you’re right about that.”

“You’ve a plan now.”

“You love a plan.”

“Mmm, I do.” Remus chuckled, resting his head against the back of his sofa. “But there’s hope, there’s some kind of chance.”

Sirius closes his eyes. “There’s a chance, yeah. I don’t want you all to get hurt.” Sirius pauses. “I don’t want  _ you _ to get hurt, I’m sorry I came back.”

“You know, the first night after I dropped you back at the Potter’s, I called my mam and talked to her for about five hours?”

Furrowing his brow, Sirius watches Remus, not wanting to say anything because this feels important.

“She told me that there’s not enough time for me to get caught up in things and hold grudges. If I still had feelings for you, then I should be supportive and do what I can — what I want to do. I want to be here for you. I know it’s going against my usual character of being a stubborn, contrary, unforgiving person, but I don’t want to regret wasting time on hating you. The last four years, that’s all I did — regret leaving you and also hate you for not wanting to try. But I know you weren’t ready for a kid, and I…” He trails off.

“You were always ready because you’re caring, despite the front you put up. Christ, look at you, you’ve been taking care of my ass for the last few weeks.” Sirius laughs as tears start to prick at the corners of his eyes again.

“I know.” Remus shakes his head. “I — I fucking missed you so much. It’s so ridiculous.”

Sirius lets out a long breath before shifting closer to Remus. “You really want to do this? You want to hold my hand before I go in for surgery and take care of me when the medicine makes me ill and worry about me for however long I’ve left?”

“I’m going to be worrying about you for the next how ever long, if I’m with you or not. Right now, I’d rather be with you.” Remus takes Sirius’ hand, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. “That’s if you don’t mind me raising Teddy because I’m certainly not handing him over to Andi now unless it’s just for a night.”

“Ha, I love that mini Remus. I wish that—”

“Don’t wish, Sirius, just do whatever it is right now.”

“Okay. Hope really must have done a number on you in that conversation.” He rubs his face before shifting forward even more so he is leaning against Remus’ shoulder.

“She did, you know how she is. We did a verbal pro con list.”

“Oh my god.” Sirius laughs as Remus’ arms go around him. He feels safe in Remus’ arms. Nothing can touch him there, just like when they were younger. “A pro con list to get back together with me.”

“She wouldn’t let it go, she said it was valuable.”

“That’s what you get when your mum’s a therapist.” He looks up at Remus who is looking at him so softly that it makes Sirius’ heart skip a beat.

“Yeah, but sometimes it’s helpful. It has been recently.” Remus brushes a hand through his hair. “You should see someone — not my mam of course.”

“No, that’d be weird.” Sirius shakes his head. “Whatever helped you reach the conclusion that you want to be with me… I’m glad.”

“Yeah, me too.”

They’re both quiet for a few long moments, Sirius is tired, but he doesn’t want to move because he’s so close to Remus’ lips he can almost taste them. He can remember how they feel and what Remus’ kisses are like. “Can I kiss you?”

Remus nods. “Yeah, yeah.”

Sirius doesn’t waste a minute and closes the gap between them. The world shifts — metaphorically this time, thank god — and it’s as if Sirius is back where he belongs. He’s dizzy but for a good reason. This is the sort of kiss that Sirius wanted, that he’s missed for some time now.

They spend the afternoon on the sofa talking between kisses and Sirius napping. Nothing’s perfect and they still should talk more, but it doesn’t matter right now. There’s a lot that Sirius has to get done, but he doesn’t want to rush it today. So he spends the rest of the day doing what they want and watching movies and making out like teenagers.

As they settle down in bed, Sirius looks over at Remus and knows that he wants to make sure he has more than enough nights in bed with him. He wants to be woken up by Teddy and cook breakfast. He wants to try, and not give up. There’s a lot they can do for him to keep living, even if it’s just a little longer.

“You know my list?” Sirius asks as Remus cuddles up with him.

“Mmmhmm.” Remus yawns. “I hope those kisses were good enough to cross that off.”

“I think I might revise that one, but I think I know what number ten is.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?”

Sirius tells him, full of hope.

***

  1. ~~Attempt to mend things with Regulus~~
  2. ~~At least speak to Remus~~
  3. Take an impulsive vacation
  4. ~~See Celestina live~~
  5. See a show on Broadway
  6. ~~Visit every museum in London~~
  7. Go to some fancy ass casino and make a huge ass bet
  8. Get a new motorcycle
  9. ~~Have one last real good kiss~~ **_Keep kissing Remus_**
  10. **_Keep living_**



  
  



End file.
